So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
