i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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