and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
