Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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