I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
