dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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