who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
