I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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