I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
