i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
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