I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
