Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
