I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
