So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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