I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
