i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
