I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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