Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
