true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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