please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
