you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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