My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
