I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
