by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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