They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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