he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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