dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
