I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
