On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
