I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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