There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
