I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
