this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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