I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
