I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
