Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
