she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
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