he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
