I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Randomize
