he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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