A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
