dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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