We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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