the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
try to milk me bitch
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