Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
