my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I checked into jail on foursquare
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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