There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
