My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
