apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
