apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
