My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Randomize
