i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
