Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize