there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
