Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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