Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
