Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
