For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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