I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Randomize
