Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
