We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
