just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
