One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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