A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
