Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I just googled if crying burns calories
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
