I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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