i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I forgot wine drunk hurts
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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