i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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