dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
