I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Randomize
